CHANGING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR

The Question is: How can parents change unacceptable behavior without using rewards and punishments?

I was asked the other day to help a child whose behavior was “unacceptable” by the adult without handing out stickers or smiley faces, or by yielding to punishment. It was asked by a person who, I believe, sincerely wants to see this child succeed in life but who doesn’t want to be part of a system that, thus far, had not changed the behavior. So what could I give this parent who so badly wanted to change the direction she saw this child headed down?

Fair warning: it takes time.

1. Tell the child, “This is the way we _____ in our home/classroom.” MODEL IT.
2. Ask, “What did you NOTICE?” Point out anything you want to emphasize.

3. Invite child to PRACTICE it.
4. Explain the CONSEQUENCES for doing it. (I will elaborate on this point in a moment.)
5. Ask for or offer WHAT IF’s.
6. Help child SUMMARIZE-expected behavior.
7. FOLLOW THROUGH with plan with little emotion.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REWARD/PUNISHMENT

These two ideas usually begin with, “If you…” or “If you don’t…”. This may be subtle, but I prefer to use this alternative language: “When we…...” There is no “If we don’t.” By using the pronoun “we” you join the child in the goal.

EXAMPLE:
1. This is the way we grocery shop: we get a cart and you ask me every time you want to put something in it; if I say ‘yes,’ then you can. Otherwise, you need to put it back. MODEL by placing several food cartons on the counter and have child pick one up and ask permission to put it in the cart; one time you say yes, the next time you say no.
2. Ask child what they noticed. Point out you “cooperated” with each other, thus naming the character trait you are trying to instill in your child.
3. Repeat role-play.
4. Tell child, “When we are finished grocery shopping, you can help me choose what type of cookie to buy/flavor of ice cream/fruit to buy. "
5. “What if you put things in the cart without asking my permission? ----? I will give you 2 warnings. On the third time, we’ll have to come home without our groceries.”
6. Now let’s see if you remember-What do I want you to do at the grocery store? When you ask permission, what is that called? And when we are done, what will you help me do?”

The hardest part is following through with your plan. When all goes well, it’s easy, but when it doesn’t, you have to calmly tell the child why you are leaving the store/play group/library, etc. with as little emotion as possible so the child does not feel he/she has power over the situation. Also, there has to be an understanding with your spouse that the plan may mean you have to leave early/don’t get things done.

Granted, this plan lacks the immediacy of a spanking to produce the desired behavior. But it achieves more: it produces a child whose self-respect remains intact and whose inner self is valued by the two most important people in his/her life: one’s parents.

REWARDING EXPECTED BEHAVIOR

Last Friday when I handed out progress reports, the Ks cheered! My forehead furrowed up questioning this response until, that is, I heard their comments amidst the cheers: "My dad is giving me $100 if I have a good report card! I'm getting $50! I'm getting a fish! I'm getting ..." My response was immediate. "You've got to be kidding me! Why can't you say, 'No thank you, Mom, Dad, I did it just because it was the right thing to do!'" Their pause in excitement was only momentary, and out the door they flew looking forward to whatever motivation was being leveraged to produce the desired result.

From the very first meeting with parents at Orientation, I asked, "What do you want for your children?" And "What do you want to be the reason for this?" Let's say you thought, 'I want my child to succeed in school' and the answer to be 'Because they will have a good life.' I should have added, "What do you want to be the motivation for this?" I see now that some of the answers were, "Money" and "Food" and "Prizes." That's what was revealed last Friday to me.

It goes against what we are trying to do here at Lakeview. It goes against why you selected our school as a place to help raise your child and I would be chagrin in my duties if I did not call you on it.

As Children's House teachers, we observe what materials your child is drawn to naturally; in other words, which materials they are drawn to from within, not through a reward system. It is through this inner motivation that the child is driven to "make himself into an adult," using Montessori's words. We do not entice them with rewards but feed their inner spirit when they show interest in something. We did not give the boy who voraciously read 4 books on Monday with money or pets or food or prize; we celebrated with a smile and "Alleluia!" his success at learning to read. Nor did we motivate with reward the child who spent half an hour trying her best to tie bows on the Tying Frame, only to sit in tears because she couldn't do it; instead, I talked to her about the 6 times I dropped my motorcycle learning to ride it and the frustraton I felt last night trying to figure out how to get my new sewing machine to work; I said I was going to take a break and go back to it again; and I reminded her of all the wonderful things we learn from our mistakes--no where did she hear me motivate her with money or food, nor did I do it for her.

It is indeed a harder road to travel when you put the child's inner motivation first; otherwise, we could just decide what everyone was going to learn - or re-learn- at the same time and be in control of their choices. But we have to trust that the child's true nature will be revealed to us through his/her choices within the classroom, and to continue to offer activities to those still finding their way. That's why we spend time demonstrating, presenting materials, and observing their choices. There are no external rewards because that becomes a hindrance to the child building himself up to an adult. The idea of reward is an adult idea, and it needs serious rethinking on why you have your child in a program that makes conscious efforts to promote self-motivation.

DECIPHERING THE PROGRESS REPORT

This year we initiated the use of a rubric for parents to use to help them understand what the letter meant in each box. I am wondering what parents thought of it--was it easy/hard and helpful/not helpful?

As I filled in the boxes, I found myself becoming frustrated for a number of reasons I will elaborate on:

First, the choices limited me. For many of the boxes I wanted to put "Introduced," because we have introduced the material/activity, but the child just hasn't shown any interest towards it yet. However, it appears we have not covered the material because I put "NI" (not introduced) instead of "B" for Not Yet, so parents wouldn't think they were trying to get it but just couldn't.

Second, I wish we had put "M" for any "Yes" in the rubric; that way, you would (and I would) know the child had mastered the essential skill. Now I have to look back at the rubric for each item to find out if they know the essential skill. In a lot of cases, that's a P, and that's misleading to me.

Third, it's easy to put an I for introduced, D for developing, and an M for mastery; with this rubric I have to be so specific that I spent days on filling it in rather than hours. I had to look back so much that I started thinking parents would have to, too, and decided to share my thoughts about it via the blog.

My biggest problem, though, is the emphasis on the academic skills and the fear that parents will a) also focus on this with their child and b) compare their child to others. Your child is a WORK IN PROGRESS, and life is the journey. He or she will get there when he/she is ready. To me, the most important thing to develop as a Preschooler is operating in a room that allows for freedom within limits and developing social ettiquette with each other. As a Kindergartner, I feel I have helped your chld if he/she learns to read IF they are interested in learning, and I am hopeful they will all be able to do 4-place simple addition with the Golden Beads. Everything else is icing on the cake!

I know from listening to E1 teachers that their rooms are full of materials that require reading, so that is why I hope everyone will be interested in reading. At home, you can instill a desire to read by 1) modeling it! 2) listening to each other read and 3) taking time each day to have your child read his/her book to you and signing and sending it back so we can replace it with another. Suzanne and I never send home a book until they have read it to us, which gives them practice with the words before they read it to you. We start with the pattern books, then the Bob Book series, then the Mac and Tab series, with a phonogram series put in there when the time is right to move them beyond simple phonetic words.

During the summer, the best thing you can do for your child is to KEEP THEM READING! We send home books and workbooks so they retain all they have gained over the year.


I would love to hear your response to the use of the rubric so we can make changes either this year or, at least, for next year.

MOTIVATING THE MOTIVATED-YES, THE MOTIVATED

Everyone is motivated, but not everyone is motivated to do what you want them to do. For example, if you have dishes to do, simply asking your husband to do them may not bring the desired result. Why? Because he is motivated to avoid doing them. However, if he knows his mother is coming to visit, the motivation changes and he suddenly appears in front of the sink!
Same for children. You may want your little one to read, eat healthy foods, or stay in bed longer, etc., but find he/she is motivated not to. If you really want your child to do these things, you need to guide your child to choose that behavior. It reminds me of the anecdote about the child who is carrying a heavy backpack. The parent chooses to walk beside the child, not lessening the load but keeping him company, urging him on like a cheerleader, and, in general, being a comfort for the child to help him complete the task.

Similarly, here’s some ways that you can try, in a more-or-less progression from a basic discussion to a real plan, emphasizing walking beside the child, not doing it for him or forcing him or punishing him or cajoling him. I use the example of motivating your child to read more.

1. GIVE YOUR CHILD CONFIDENCE AND POWER: “There are many ways of reading/eating/sleeping; which reader are you? Remember, you can be more than one type.” 1) You read by looking at the pictures 2) You hear the first sounds of words 3) you hear the first AND the last sound of words 4) You even hear some sounds in the middle 5) You’re reading words you can sound out 6) You even know lots of sight words 7) You read entire sentences 8)You can read hard-to-sound-out words 9) Others as you see fit. POINT: Your child sees he/she is already a reader of sorts; each type of reading type, however, requires practice, and ‘PRACTICE MAKES PROGRESS.’
2. HELP YOUR CHILD WITHOUT DOING IT ALL FOR HIM/HER: “I’ll read this word/line/sentence/page and you read the next. That way the reading will go quickly and before you know it, you will have finished your job and you’ll still have time for ____.”
3. DURING FRUSTRATING MOMENTS: “You know what I say when I get frustrated? I say, ‘I don’t want to do this, and I’m going to do it anyway. I feel good about myself when I finish work I’ve started.” Suggest a point to read to before taking a 5-minute break.
4. MAKING A PLAN-TOGETHER: “I’d like to be your writer today. You tell me what you’re going to do first/second/etc. tonight and I’ll write it down. Then when you finish it, I have this beautiful gold/silver ink you can use to cross it off with. When you finish your plan, let’s celebrate! We’ll ______ together. I brought this paper to help us get started.” (Do NOT ask if—assume he/she wants to and help in organizing it.)

The main point to remember is that the child wants-and deserves-power over him/her self. By digging their heels in/not answering you when you ask a question, arguing with you, etc. they are asserting power the only way that works for them. Parents must find ways to be their guide and treat them as unique individuals. I have found that simply spending time with a child and listening to them makes them much more cooperative. I also give the challenging child more-not less-responsibility to teach/help others and take special notice of when they are exhibiting the desired behavior and tell the child I noticed them being ______, using a specific word that describes the behavior, not a generic one like “good” or “nice.” Examples might include “helpful,” “thoughtful,” “ kind,” or “cooperative.”
I hope these ideas will help you guide your child in whatever motivating problem you encounter along the parenting journey. I'd love to hear your stories!

SCREAMING AND CRYING TO GET THEIR WAY: IS THERE AN ALTERNATIVE?

Before I begin, I want you to know my background in this area. Most importantly, I’m a parent, but I am only a parent of one; cancer would limit me to this number. However, I have had the luxury of seeing my prayers answered to see my little boy grow up, marry a wonderful girl, and raise 3 children of their own. They sometimes will ask me for parenting advice, to which I think, “Hey, they value my ideas about child-raising, “ so perhaps you will glean some benefit from my ideas, too. Secondly, my Masters is in Holistic Parenting, awarded to me after completing many parenting courses and giving workshops to Montessori parents around the state of Maine and writing a book about the subject. (Unfortunately, I never published it because I was too busy starting my own Montessori school).

So now you know my background. The last thing before I begin is to explain how I will be delivering these thoughts about parenting. Basically, I watch and listen and sometimes read about child-oriented situations, at the store, at home, and on the road to and from places. The observations I make initiate a subject to focus on to help you with parenting. If you want me to help with a specific topic, please let me know and I will address it in a future article. I post my articles both on my blog at www.nancysclass.blogspot.com and also as a monthly newsletter, in response to the parent survey you filled out at Orientation.

Today’s focus came from an overwhelming response on the Hopes and Dreams section asking how your child copes with frustration. Answers varied from “yelling, crying, anger, sulking, giving up, throwing things, screaming, hitting, stomping, throwing a tantrum, running away, pulling one’s hair, etc.”

On the positive side, you can see you are not alone.

Kids are kids, but they are overwhelmingly human! They do what works in order to get what they want, like all of us. Many of you mention that they deal with frustration differently at school—that’s because we have something you don’t-peer pressure, not to be confused with sibling pressure, which doesn’t have much influence. But, with no classmates in your home, I want to address how you can help your child deal with frustration in an appropriate way.
We are talking this coming week about listening to your body so you know when you are getting angry and frustrated, and offering different methods to replace those feelings with a sense of control over your body and getting it into a sense of calmness. They all begin with breathing, and the children are practicing this at school, using a small pinwheel held in front of them to blow as they release their breath from their mouth. I am sending the pinwheel home, in hopes they will use it. We are also practicing the different methods. I would like to summarize the methods below, in hopes your child will be encouraged at home to use the one/s he/she prefers when they find themselves “heating up.” Remember: the above mentioned ways our children are acting out frustration are not acceptable. They need an alternative. They will probably prefer one of the ways below.

1. HEART BREATHING: Think of something you are grateful for: a pet, a person, a place, etc. Place your hands on the center of your chest and think of that special ___ that makes you smile. Take 5 slow breaths, breathing the grateful energy into the area beneath your hands. Repeat.
2. HEAD HOLD: Sit straight, breathing gently and deeply. Place the palm of one hand on your forehead, the other on the back of your head. Press lightly, feeling the warmth under your palms as you breathe slowly. Do for 1 minute.
3. 5-SECOND PAUSE: Count to 5 slowly in a foreign language; then repeat, only this time name 5 pet names you’ve had or kinds; repeat and name 5 of your classmates slowly, and finally, 5 breaths and 5 cartoon figures you like.
4. SHAKE IT OFF: Stand with legs apart and hands at side. Shake both your hands, with your elbows bent. At the same time, let your breath out in short puffs.

The next thing I’m going to share is what teachers call a social contract with a child. We talk to a child when we are both calm and alone. We start by saying, “I notice that when you get frustrated, you ______. Do you notice this, too?” This is called awareness. Then we ask which method they have been learning at school is their favorite, and to show it to us. This ensures they know what the appropriate action looks and feels like. We ask how they feel as a result of this action. Finally, we ask him/her what phrase or motion we can say/do to help them remember what to do instead of what they have been doing in the past. The social contract is part of the Responsive Classroom classes our Sparta School District pays for all interested teachers to attend (your hard earned tax dollars making a difference in the lives of your children).

Have a social conversation with your child like the one above when he/she is calm.
Lastly, you have asked for help in bringing Montessori principles into the home. You have to model it if you want it to carry over into a lifelong habit. Frankly, you have to use it yourself, in front of your child, so they see the value of it.

Let me know how it goes.

ORIENTATION 2009

If you missed Orientation or some of the information, or just want to mull over it, here's what happened when parents came into the classroom:

1. They picked up a folder containing forms to be filled out and returned on the left side, and information for them to read on the right side.

2. I briefly addressed a question I posed of whether or not they had chosen the "right" program for their child. I reminded them that it is a program based on self-motivation, and that the teacher's role is to assess where the child is at academically/socially through testing and observation, and then "entice" the child to work that he/she is ready for. I noted that they will receive 3 formally typed observation reports from me during the year (every other month).

3. In the folder, I told them, is a copy of the report card which will tell them what they can expect their child to be exposed to, with a rubric that helps parents understand what the grade the child receives means. Example: A goal of the program is to be able to write the alphabet letters with correct form. If they can write 1-14 of them, they receive a B for basic, 15-25 = P for proficient, and all 26=M for mastery.

4. I showed parents a rose that had yet to bloom. It was folded up tight. I likened it to a child. In our yearning to "help" the child, we adults sometimes push children to do things they are not yet ready for, just as the rose was not ready to open its petals yet. I asked what happens if we push the child/rose too fast, and the petals started to fall. (I must tell you that since that night, the rose never did open and drooped over from the stress of my actions toward it, and died.) I gave each family a soap rose as a way to remember the point: We cannot hurry children; they will learn at their own pace.

If you did not attend Orientation, the folder and contents will be sent home with your child on the first day of school.

Sincerely,
Miss Nancy

MY LAST FIRST DAY

I can't believe that September first will be my last first day. After twenty-six of them, I'll be retiring. Twenty-six, and I never stop getting nervous wondering what the day will hold. My nerves have quieted down some these days--I no longer have to stock Kaopectate in my school satchel anymore--but I still am apprehensive about who will come through those doors. One year I was so worried I had everyone come in two weeks early--to meet me, I said--but really it was so I could check them out. Every year I think this year's plan will make for a perfect day--never happens! I end up revising it for the following year, sure THAT one will be perfect. It won't ever happen because the truth is, every class is different.

I always like to have a good story to tell the first day. One year I read "The Goodbye Kiss," about a mama raccoon who tells her son when he misses her at school just to look at his hand, where she planted a kiss. At the end one of my little girls squeaked out a tearful, "I miss my mother." Then I heard another. And another. Pretty soon the class was full of tears and we had to pass the kleenex box around. I don't use that book anymore.

Another year I talked so long there was no time for recess. A parent told me later that her child came home complaining they never got recess. I make sure they do now.

Yup, kids have taught me to be a better teacher over the years. When I talk too long, they squirm. When I haven't modeled how to line up or leave for work time, I can guarantee they'll invent new ways to do them. And when I haven't taken the time to show them where the bathroom is, I learn I should have.

Parents are more predictable. Some of each type every year. There's the ones who can't let go; they stay and stay and stay until January(yes), or sit on the floor outside the door crying (yes, this, too, happened). There's the Tripod parent who enters the room with the kid glued like gorilla cement to his dad's/mom's pant leg as if this is Mars and the parents are leaving to return to Earth. And the parent who hands the child off with a firm, "You'll have fun, I'll miss you, and I'll be back to pick you up" and leaves (I admire those parents). Those parents let me do my job--holding one in my lap, keeping two by my side, setting a timer when his parent will return for another, all the while moving the class along according to my revised first day plan.

I've learned to think of that first day as a party, and I am the hostess. I try to have things out for the "early birds" to help with, as well as an activity or two to ease everyone's nerves those first moments in the door. Then the music gets turned on and the party begins.We meet at Line and, taking my cues from the children, I go through my Plan at their pace. It's full of variety--movement, information, music, information, practice, information, story, information, discussion, information--it resembles an ebbing tide, purposely designed to meet the young child's attention span-or lack of-and need for movement.

Unlike the rest of the year, I hold the children close and doing the same thing, with me as the focal point. There will be plenty of time for "all the places they'll go," according to Dr. Seuss, but for now I am building the foundation for which our class will become a community. I'd like to think that, after twenty-six years, the fact that I revise less and less for those first six weeks of school means I've been successful in creating a tight-knit group of caring learners. By the end of the year, they won't want to leave because they love it here (yes, it happens quite a lot). So trust that I know what I'm doing, and pass that trust onto your child so the first day will be as perfect as we can make it for everyone this year!